The Malevolence of Turtles
by Groovy Turtle
Summary: There is an evil presence in the world according to Remus Lupin... An evil, unchecked presence that is roaming the televisions of muggles even as we speak!  Slowly very, they are corrupting fear into the heart of every werewolf.  They're turtles.
1. TURTLES!

_**The Malevolence of Turtles**_

Welcome to my third instalment of Harry's dislikes caused by the Marauders. This is what I've now decided to call the little mini series of fanfics about Sirius' hate for peas, James' hate for beetroot, and now, Remus' fear of turtles. This one is actually in chapters, because there's just so much in it! So bear with me here, as Groovy Turtle (that's me) is terrible at updating… Here's the first chapter!!! ENJOY!

_**Chapter 1**_

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Remus leapt up, tore out of the living room and sprinted out of the house into the street, unfourtunately forgetting to actually open the door, resulting in a lot of splintered wood and a lot of broken door.

In complete contradiction to the pandemonium now screaming down the street of Godric's Hollow, the living room itself held four very stunned, confused and downright shocked individuals. Lily indeed, looked as if she'd never speak again. James and Sirius just sat with their mouths open, looking remarkably like guppy fish at feeding time, and little baby Harry dropped his Spongebob doll, and after about 20 seconds, started to cry. Lily then ran out to go after Remus, saw the door in complete disarray and started to cry herself, which caused James to run out to comfort his wife while Sirius looked after his godson. Sadly though, Harry decided to punch and kick in "sorrow" and "accidentally" kicked and punched his godfather in the nose, causing Sirius to cry. James entered the room with his arm around his wife, only to find two bawling babies, sorry, Harry and a bawling baby with a broken nose to comfort, and a usually nonchalant werewolf crying in terror and running around in public. So, predictably, he took control of the situation. No, I'm kidding, he completely fell apart.

How did it come to this you may ask? Well, it all started when Remus was a little boy. He was playing out on a cool, full moon night, when he heard a sound. Stopping whatever it was that he was doing (poking something most likely) Remus straightened and stood frozen, shivering all over. The noise happened again, a sort of rustling, creeping if you will, and then a twig broke. SNAP! A quick shiver ran through the little boy and he started whimpering as he heard the something get closer. It broke through the hedge, and he could hear its breath, smell its breath, and he thought that its breath was so bad that if he turned around, he would be able to see its breath as well. Deciding to test this theory, he slowly started turning around. His eyes caught the horror that was behind him and he started to scream, but it was too late, the damage had been done, the creature clamped its horrid breathy mouth over Remus' tiny arm, and there was nothing left for it. His mother and father came flying out of the house (literally in his father's case, as he was riding a broom) and down to their son, only to see the cold hard green shell, the little stubby fins, the tiny tail and the bald head. Yes, their son was being savaged by a turtle.

Oh, and it turns out the turtle was just a werewolf who turned up to a costume party on the wrong night, but that's hardly relevant information. Pretty trivial actually… However! The whole turtle thing is very relevant to the story, if you can believe that. Shall I explain? Why then yes, I shall.

You see, that terrible ordeal shook Remus forever, and he has since been deathly, spastically, if-I-see-one-I-will-run-screaming-into-the-street afraid of turtles (very different to tortoises). SO, Remus had seen a turtle (not tortoise) on TV, and had run screaming into the street. Now, what kind of turtle was it you may ask? It was a mutant one, in his late teen years, and happened to be not too bad at the ninja fighting skills. That's right, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle! (NOT tortoise) Donatello to be exact, but like Remus either knew or cared about that.

While the author was explaining this rather relevant back story, the situation itself had moved forward conveniently to James having gone after Remus and all the occupants of the Godric's Hollow house sitting around the dining table and discussing the problem. It is convenient because it saves the author writing some complicated description.

At the dining table in reality once more:

"So, what you're saying is, you're afraid…of…turtles?" Lily questioned with a slightly sceptical look on her face.

"Yes," was the most natural answer for Remus to reply with, "but not tortoises," Remus added, thus ruining his running strike of answering normally.

"Aren't tortoises and turtles the same thing?" asked the ever-so-blunt Sirius Black, once again voicing his own opinion before actually thinking about what he was going to say first.

"NO! They are completely different!" There was life in Remus still! Though obviously not sanity, as he then went on to rave about the subtle but effective differences between the two that created a distinct sense of fear and hatred in Remus. "They have fins, whereas tortoises have legs, which make them worse!"

"How?" Lily asked.

"IT JUST DOES! Now, also, turtles have-"

James rolled his eyes, shook his head and grinned at his best mate. "Pads, just shut-up next time okay?"

"I was just asking," Sirius finished with a mumble.

At that moment, Harry started crying and everyone stopped talking or lecturing or being embarrassed or listening intently or picking their nose, or eating an apple or making a card castle or breathing to look at the baby who deserved ALL the attention. Having got it, Harry stopped crying at once and being the ATTENTION SEEKER he was, started giggling and clapping.

"Awwwwwwww……" went everyone, and all trace of fear, embarrassment or whatever left the room. Yet another save by the Chosen One. Eventually they all went into the living room to watch TV again, but it was an ad, so they all waited until the show came back on, and I'm sorry this chapter was so boring.


	2. TURTLES!  Wait, hasn't this been done?

_**The Malevolence of Turtles**_

This is the second chappy of this rather strange fanfic. Hope you all enjoy it!!! Although, the third chapter isn't finished yet, so I hope you enjoy it, but are not obsessed with the awesomeness of it and demand that I write the third chapter or you'll smite me…just wanting me to finish it would be sufficient.

_**Chapter 2**_

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Remus leapt up, tore out of the living room and sprinted out of the house into the street, unfourtunately forgetting to actually open the door, resulting in a lot of splintered wood and a lot of broken door.

"Oh yeah, that's right, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was on," remarked Lily, stating the obvious while cringing at the fact that they no longer had the door that James had just repaired.

"Well duh Lily, you are always stating the obvious," said Sirius, unintentionally stating the obvious and ending up looking like an idiot once again.

"Um Sirius, you just stated the obvious," stated James in an obvious tone, now looking like the bigger idiot for not picking up on that fact and just keeping his mouth shut.

"Look, we're getting nowhere," Lily cut in.

"She did it again, James."

"So did you, Sirius."

"GUYS! Whether or not I stated the obvious is irrelevant, as we currently have a very disturbed werewolf running off in some direction and it's two hours till sundown!"

"……So?"

"So, it's a full moon tonight!"

All-round gasps and a "dun dun DUN" in the background.

"Well, in that case, we must do something! To the batmobile!"

"What the hell are you talking about, James?"

"Uh… We'll use Sirius' motorbike to go and find him?"

"Oh, good idea!"

20 minutes later….

"There is no way you are driving, Prongs!"

"Why not!?"

"Remember what happened last time?"

"……ummmm…….no!"

"Don't be clever, you almost got me killed!"

"I did not! I just didn't handle the situation very well."

"DIDN'T HANDLE IT VERY WELL? JAMES! YOU COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT!"

"I completely freaked out? You were the one screaming. Let me remind you of my driving lesson, shall I?"

FLASHBACK

It was an exciting day. Harry had just celebrated his first month on earth, the sun was out, the birds were singing, and Sirius was taking James on a driving lesson with the new 911 Turbo Porsche James had just got for his birthday. Now, James didn't actually have a licence, because you didn't need one to ride a broomstick, but being an adult now, he needed to buckle down and get some experience! So after much begging and slave labour, Sirius had agreed to take James out for practice.

"Okay, now, you remember where everything is?" asked Sirius the moment they had settled into the car and admired the awesomeness of it.

"Yep, gears, steering wheel, radio, accelerator, and this thing here that I don't understand at all."

"That's the brake."

"Oh. Alright, if you say so."

"I'm just going to put this on," said Sirius in a slightly panicky voice as he conjured a crash helmet from thin air and clicked it tightly over his head, being careful not to damage his perfect hair. "Now," he continued, "just put the gearstick into drive (it was an automatic), and ease your foot off the brake-"

"The what?" asked James as they lurched forward off the driveway.

"The brake! Put your bloody foot on the brake!"

"You mean this thing here? Alrighty then." James said cheerfully as he slammed his foot onto the pedal.

"NO, YOU IDIOT, THAT'S THE ACCELERATOR! THE BRAKE!! THE ONE NEXT TO IT!"

James slammed his foot a second time, catching the brake and throwing both the occupants forward with so great a force that Sirius was lucky he had his crash helmet on.

"Sorry," James said meekly.

It took a long time, some VERY deep breaths and some extensive yoga to get Sirius in a calm mood. (In fact, so extensive was the yoga that he could perform any pose in the Karma Sutra if James was up for it, which he wasn't, because this isn't a slash fic, but I thought you might like to know…)

"That's alright, mate," Sirius started in a voice of forced calm, "just remember where the brake is next time, and keep your foot on it. And stay away from trees," he added cautiously as he peered out the window at the metre-wide trunk a foot from his door.

"Rightio….keep my foot where?"

"THE BRAKE, YOU-!!!! The brake James, that pedal there. Now, let's try again, shall we? But you're going to have to put the car in reverse first. Start by putting your foot firmly on the bra- the pedal there," Sirius changed because James was giving him a quizzical look. "And put the gear stick in reverse. Good? Okay, now, slowly ease you foot off the br- pedal, and twiddle the steering wheel until you-"

END OF FLASHBACK

"Okay, so I was a bit rusty,"

"A bit?!" Sirius exclaimed. "I was scared for my life!"

"Yeah, well, it got better, didn't it?"

"No, James, you must be thinking of ANOTHER driver, because you did NOT get any better. Do you remember your actual test?"

FLASHBACK

It was a slightly overcast day with a 2 knot wind NNE, not the best conditions to conduct a driving test, but it was also a Monday, and everyone was at work, therefore there were not many cars on the road. _Which was a good thing_, thought Sirius Black as he climbed hesitantly into the passenger seat of the newly repaired 911 Turbo Porsche; there would be less casualties.

"Thanks so much for doing this, Pads," remarked the messy black-haired young man from behind the steering wheel, "I know we haven't exactly had the best run with my driving lessons…"

"Too right," mumbled Sirius under his breath as he gingerly tested his bottom on the seat, and wincing as he put his weight on the tender part that had received the fury of the gear stick in James' last lesson. "Let's just get this over with."

"Alright, now, keep my foot on the pedal here, what's it called again?"

"The brake."

"Oh yeah, so I do that, and now we're moving!"

_My god, this is so boring!_ Thought Sirius 10 minutes later, as James carefully turned ANOTHER corner.

"My god, how many bloody corners does this suburb have?" asked Sirius in disbelief.

"Huh? What do you mean?" James replied, "I've just been going around the block."

"……"

"Sirius?"

"Get out of the car."

"What?"

"Get out of the car or out of this bloody street!"

_Okay, this is slightly better_, Sirius thought as he wound down the window to feel the cool breeze air, only to have his face engulfed in a cloud of gas fumes. Coughing, he turned away to talk to James about the horrible state the environment was in, when he realised they were in a six lane highway and James had not idea what he was doing!!!

"SIRIUS!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!" James screamed as he had a panic attack (See? Told you!).

"Okay, you have to get off the highway! Turn into the left lane."

"Alright," whimpered James as he started easing himself into the far left lane.

"JAMES! WHAT HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN!?"

"Oh, right, indicator."

"God Jimmy, use your brain!"

"Sorry. Alright, what do I do now?"

"Now you take this exit and- TAKE THIS EXIT!"

"I'm sorry! I missed it, wait, I'll turn around."

"NO JAMES, YOU CAN'T-!"

But it was too late. James made a wide u-turn and was now driving in one of the middle lanes, the wrong way, heading straight for a truck full of gasoline. And it was in this moment that James lost it. In a moment of chaos, he screamed and turned, disapparating out of the driver's seat and into his nice, warm bed at home with Lily.

Well, his head, torso and left leg did that, his arms and right leg however remained in the car. And Sirius was now left with half of a splinched James Potter, and an oncoming truck about 30 metres away from him, and closing the gap. Leaning over, he grabbed James' arms still clinging to the steering wheel and jerked them to the right, making a full 180 degree turn and now heading in the right direction, then, moving himself into the far left lane, he took the exit, and turned off the main road, using James' leg to push down on the brake, and come to a stop.

Turning the car off, Sirius waited about 5 seconds for the hyperventilation to wear off, and when it didn't, he fainted.

END OF FLASHBACK

"Anything looks bad when you do a full flashback on it from your memory. If you had the story from MY point of view, it wouldn't be half as bad. I think it's unfair that you're being so biased."

"I wasn't being biased, James. I didn't even tell the story, the narrator told it to the readers from a completely unbiased point of view, because she doesn't believe in making one of us look better then the other," explained Sirius in his delicate, yet manly voice, pushing back his gorgeous, slightly windswept hair and looking sternly at James with his deep, penetrating grey eyes.

"Well, I'm sorry that I almost got you killed then," said James.

ALRIGHT!!! JUST STOP RIGHT NOW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! THIS STORY IS ABOUT ME (insert picture of Remus), NOT THEM (insert picture of Sirius and James with big 'X's through their faces) SO GET ON WITH MY IRRATIONAL FEAR OF TURTLES!

Back to the main story:

"Well, I still think I should drive," said James stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest and refusing to move an inch.

"I'll just ask Lily which one of us should drive then," smirked Sirius as he turned toward the house, counted to three and turned back to the bike to see his friend straddling the back of it with a look of fear in his eyes. "Sad," mumbled Sirius as he shook his head and climbed onto the motorbike, kicking it into life and screaming down the street to look for their long-forgotten friend.


	3. The Hunt is On

_**The Malevolence of Turtles**_

This is the third and final chapter of this little story, and I'm sorry it took so long to write, mixture of bust schedule and major writer's block. Anyway, here it is and I hope you enjoy it!! I'm not sure what I'm going to do for Lily, or if I should do it at all. I'll decide by the reception I get for this story. So tell your friends if you want to see another one!

_**Chapter 3**_

"Moony? Come here Moonikins!" James was calling an hour later in increasing desperation. The clock was ticking, and they only had half an hour left until the sun went down, and full moons always rise at sunset!

"Prongs," Sirius began, the unable to conceal the desperation in his voice, "stop that. You're annoying me, and people are staring at us."

This was very true, for as James and Sirius continued to power through the welcoming suburb of Godric's Hollow the neighbourhood had started to stare. Peeking out of curtains and stopping to tie their shoelaces as the two young men tore past, calling incessantly for their lost friend. However, what neither James nor Sirius knew was that the public was not staring at their confusing calls for what seemed to be thought of as a badly behaved Rabbit one of them owned. It was the fact that two grown men, who saw a great deal of each other usually it was noted, were both straddled to the back of a motorcycle that was driving around the block continuously. Things were starting to seem suspicious, and for those who knew of James' marriage to Lily and Sirius' fondness for anyone who was considered a woman by society (except for that one time when he was REALLY drunk, but now is not the moment), thought that maybe they were just stealing a bit of time together, trying to disguise their need for each other by looking for a lost pet. Or "Moony" as James so rightly hollered into the increasing darkness.

"You know Pads," began James perceptively as he lowered his voice to a more normal tone, "I think people are staring at us as we drive around the block holding onto each other calling out to Moony like he's some kind of pet." Which left both Sirius AND the readers to wonder why someone of such "quick intelligence" had thought of that all by himself, but had not grasped the fact that during school Lily did not like his arrogant attitude or his habit of jinxing people, so asking her out for 6 years straight while doing both those things would not be a good idea. As they had both figured it out a while ago, a while meaning when the author wrote it.

"Yeah, okay, whatever." Sirius replied, throwing a contemptuous look at the old ladies who had been whispering together while giving them wide, over-bearing smiles, and two teenagers who had been snogging ferociously against a lamppost, but now were staring avidly at the two slightly older men on the bike. Muttering under his breath James could not pick up on all of Sirius' words, but he was certain he heard "mind" "business" "ruined" and "reputation" a couple of times.

After another ten minutes of increasingly humiliating searching they found the cowering werewolf, huddled up in a shaking ball, rocking back and forth and shooting furtive glances either side of him at random intervals. After a bemused glance at each other, James and Sirius crouched down either side of their clearly disabled friend and it was then they realised they had no idea what to do. So they continued to sit there, patting Remus' back every so often and looking at each other just long enough to shrug their shoulders and pull strained grimaces.

The minutes dragged on, until finally, Remus came to his own rescue by whispering to his own knees wrapped around his hands in a voice so low Sirius and James had to lean in to hear: "I see turtles."

Having unofficially just declared himself insane, Remus permitted himself to be led away by his friends, on to the motorbike, on which Sirius flew him home, tucked him into bed, arranged for him to see a counsellor in the morning and then got the hell out of there just as the full moon appeared behind some low-lying, dull pink cloud.

"Phew, that was close," Sirius said to the cool night air as a howl ripped through the silence. "Now, there was somewhere I was meant to be?" _Oh well_, he thought, climbing back onto his motorbike, _I'll do it tomorrow_, and flew off back to his own house, while 5 miles away James Potter stood shivering and swearing as it got colder and darker around him, waiting for the roar of a familiar motorbike that seemed never to come…

"**Woah, no offence Remus, but that's just sad," Harry Potter remarked to a much older Remus Lupin nearly twenty years later.**

"**Yes, I suppose Sirius leaving your father there all night WAS a bit upsetting."**

**Harry gave him a look that plainly said 'you are a psycho' before replying, "Um…yeah, exactly, poor dad."**

**A rather relaxing silence then fell upon the pair as Remus continued to reminisce about the past, while Harry was slowly edging away, broken only by Harry when he was about 5 feet away from the table. "So, what did my mum contribute?"**

"**Huh?" Said Remus, coming out of some long ago memory, "your mum?"**

"**Yeah, what did she not like that I don't like now?"**

"**Oh! Umm…I'm not sure." Remus said quickly, not looking at Harry, but instead peering at the incredibly interesting fork lying next to him. "Uh…excuse me Harry, I have to go." And he hurried out.**

"**Strange man, wonder what he's trying to hide from me?" Harry said to himself as he made to follow Remus out the kitchen door into the hall, when a scream shattered the silence, and he turned just in time to see Remus tearing out of the house without opening the door, and Fred to come into the hall holding what was clearly a baby turtle.**

"**What the-?" Fred began, but stopped when he saw Harry holding onto the banister for support he was laughing so hard.**

"**Long story Fred," Harry gasped as he sank to the floor.**


End file.
